It has been quite a while since I posted anything. In excuse for that, my life has been incredibly busy lately. We've been moving and working a lot. And above all that we found out about four months ago that we are expecting.
I was not ready for that. Honestly prior to the actual discovery I wasn't sure that I even wanted kids. At the least maybe someday, but not anytime soon. But that changed almost immediately.
The first thing that affected me was how excited my wife was. After the initial freak out phase, she got excited and began to be proactive about everything, setting up appointments, getting help, studying. It started to rub off on me somewhat, and I made it even more because of how much I love my wife.
We got set up with the local Pregnancy Resource Center, and they soon scheduled an ultrasound, so that they could measure exactly how old the child was. That is when the world turned for me.
I looked on that little computer screen and saw a tiny heart beating. Something that the love of my wife and I had called into existence. It was truly a life changing experience. I teared up right there in the room, and immediately felt elation and excitement about the entire prospect of parenthood.
Don't get me wrong. I don't like kids. Even when I was a kid, I didn't like kids. But there's something so much different about it when it's yours. I felt an intense amount of love for that little graphic on the screen immediately.
This was followed by a panic. Not about the prospect of parenthood. But about the fact that my life is not "together" yet. My finances are wrecked, I work in a job I hate for barely above minimum wage, and I have at least a year left in college still. For God's sake I was still living in my mother's house, although that at least I have fixed, (and also, my mother didn't live there and I paid her rent).
But I am not well off enough, I feel, to be a father. I worry that I will be struggling to provide even the barest modicums of existence to my child. That my child will have to grow up with a loser as her father. That's right, by the way, it is a girl.
But as I've said before on this blog, I believe in improving your station by hard work in life. So that is what I will attempt to do from now on, to practice what I preach, so that my daughter won't have to want for necessities, as I did many times, growing up.
Ending note, her name is to be Cambria Jade Wester. I love it already.
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